Jocks
1.
A nun asked her class, What part of the body goes into
heaven first?
A little girl raises her hand and says, I know, I know, the top of your head.
The nun asks, Why do you say that?
The little girl says, Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!
The nun replies, That makes sense, anyone else?
Another little girl says, I know, I know, the tips of your fingers.
The nun asks, Why the tips of your fingers?
The little girl replies, Because when you put your hands
together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven
first!
The nun says, OK, anyone else?
Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.
The nun says, OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?
Your feet! Your feet do, for sure! yells Johnny.
The nun, puzzled, asks, Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?
Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!
2.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, theIrishman started to leave.
S' cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, what was that all about?
Nothin', said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!
3.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?
The guard replies, They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.
That's an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?
The guard answers, Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.
The guard replies, They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.
That's an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?
The guard answers, Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.
4.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
5.
“Yes brother,” says Paddy.
“Well I’m going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I’m away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids,” says Mick.
“It’ll be an honour to do that for you Mick,” says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
“Hello Mick, your wife’s given birth to a boy and a girl, they’re beautiful,” says Paddy.
“That’s wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?” says Mick.
“I called the girl Deniece,” says Paddy.
“And what did you call the boy?”
“I called the boy De nephew.”
“Well I’m going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I’m away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids,” says Mick.
“It’ll be an honour to do that for you Mick,” says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
“Hello Mick, your wife’s given birth to a boy and a girl, they’re beautiful,” says Paddy.
“That’s wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?” says Mick.
“I called the girl Deniece,” says Paddy.
“And what did you call the boy?”
“I called the boy De nephew.”
6.
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”
The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”
The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”
7.
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, “Im getting a brother.”
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, “I think mommy ate him.”
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, “Im getting a brother.”
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, “I think mommy ate him.”
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Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
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The American doctor parked his brand new Lexus right in front of the hospital, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are, " he said. "You are so focused on your possessions you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the ambulance hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the doctor....... "MY ROLEX IS GONE!"
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
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"Wal-Mart" diagnosis:
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-Mart before it closed, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?"
The operator, in calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says, "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?” his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," the boy says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they are now starting to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?” says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited, "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad", the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with the little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a-bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
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I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline".
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a single drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're a'gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound, froze, and everything got real quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Hey young fool, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone stole our tent!"
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well", said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
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